I have never been more in tune with my instincts in my life. I dare say this time may not come again. The newborn days with Tom were far beyond this. Intuition conflicted with Google and the advice of family, friends and strangers. I was wading through confusion and I wasn’t getting to the other side.
Since Jeremy’s labour begun, something within me kickstarted and since then I haven’t looked back. Jeremy’s labour was so long and throughout it all I was so aware of my body and my choices. I didn’t want to let anyone take that away from me. When I finally had to give in to the epidural I was devastated. I had avoided all other pain relief and I felt like my body was giving up on my mental state of mind that was telling me that I could do this, that I will DO this on my own. But in the end, the epidural wasn’t even working properly when Jeremy arrived. The anaesthetist ended up assisting with the delivery instead of finishing getting the epidural in.
The first moments with Jeremy and giving him his first feed were so uplifting. I was confident that he would latch and feed, despite talk of him being premature and his ‘suck reflex’ to not be mature enough yet. I wanted what I didn’t have with Tom. That initial latch that makes your whole body relax, knowing that you can provide what they need most. That you are their nurturer 100%. And we did. I inched away from midwives whenever possible to try and get him to latch on my own, without their prodding hands, which can be helpful but also a hindrance at times. I felt awesome when he fed straight away – no shield. We did it
The next few days in hospital I focussed on nothing else. I rested, I expressed as much as possible. I knew what needed to be done to get that supply going and nothing was going to get in my way. No visitors, no distractions. Sometimes I woke just before the nurses came to get me for Jeremy’s next feed. They would apologise, offer to give me a rest and use the expressed milk. But I chose to take myself to the special care nursery every time he needed me. I knew my body, knew it needed his contact every single time.
Jeremy is 5 weeks old today. He is growing like a mushroom and becoming more alert to the world with each passing day. I couldn’t even tell you the last time he fed, or how long he feeds for. I have no idea what his routine is. I feed him when he is hungry, I put him to bed when he seems tired. I cuddle him if that seems like all he needs.
Has all this resulted in a calmer baby or have we just been lucky so far? Who knows. Time will tell. I know one thing. Jeremy hasn’t had colic (yet) and I know another thing. Tom DEFINITELY had colic. And it’s not pretty.
When Jeremy cries my instincts are in tune with what he wants. When I breathe him in at night I feel nothing but an immense surge of that instinctual bond. And it feels good, to be that way…
And I have hardly ever turned to Google this time around.
Linking up with Grace for Flog Yo’ Blog Friday
Were you a chronic Google searcher with your first baby? Would love to hear your thoughts/stories 🙂