Hello Sleep Deprivation

Hello Sleep Deprivation, I can’t say I’m happy to see you, or that I hope you are here to stay a while. But I can say you are familiar this time around. We have met before and we got to know each other really, really well.

You are not something I treasure, or that I enjoy. In fact, I dread you and the long nights that you bring. I have already started to yearn for the daytime before the night has even begun. The nights roll on and on until finally I can sigh a sigh of relief because day time has come around again.

Last time you were here I let you consume me.You were all I thought about and it was all over my face, my actions and my body. I sunk into a deep craving of sleep every second of the day. That precious sleep that you deprived me of becomes an obsession. I felt that I still should have the capacity to be all, do all and see to every little peep my precious little bundle made.

The only people that really understand you are those that have met you. They don’t need to be mums or parents either. They can be restless people, troubled people, people with a medical condition, people whose jobs confuse their days and nights.

This time, as you join me, I’m a little bit more prepared than last time. I’m wearing a mask. It may sound like this wouldn’t help, but it does. I refuse to let you take over my life. I am continuing on. I am getting out of bed. I am smiling at my toddler (unless he is driving me round the bend) and I am leaving the house.

Some people are a little fooled. I don’t think people realise you are with me. They keep saying “You look great!…Is he sleeping well?” He isn’t. Of course he isn’t. He is 2 weeks old and 4 weeks premature. He gulps feeds. He gets belly aches. He confuses his day and his night. He wants to be held. He is a BABY. But I just shrug and say “Oh he’s not too bad”…because that’s easier and makes me feel better than walking around with a dark cloud on my face that tells everyone and myself that you are around.

I’m not ignoring you though Sleep Deprivation. I know you are there and I will try and rest when I can. But I know ‘resting’ is not enough.

You are here to stay anyway, there’s no point moping about it. There is no point because I will lose myself in you and then I will have no time to be ‘me’ And that is the worst part of you. No time to just be me or have time for myself and my husband.

But all in time. You’re just a small part of the rest of my life. And while you are around I will always have this:

Have you met Sleep Deprivation? How do you handle it?

12 thoughts on “Hello Sleep Deprivation

  • Reading this post I was sitting here and nodding my head along with you, 8 months ago this was me! I don’t think I would have survived the early weeks/months without coffee! Our baby boy was also prem, arriving at 32 weeks and home at 36weeks. His big brother was 17mths old when he came home and when out I would get asked the SAME questions… My answer was similar to yours, people often have no idea how to respond when you tell them you are up every 2/3 hrs with them! Thankfully the relationship between sleep deprivation and myself is winding down – I hope you get a good night sleep soon! xx

    • Totally agree! Well done on making it through 4 weeks in hospital with a 32 weeker and a toddler at home! It’s such a rough trot but all worth it in the end xoxo

  • I always find that I can’t sleep when I’m really busy and therefore, really, really need the sleep to function!! Just lie there thinking about all the things I need to do!! And I’m terrible for checking Facebook, emails etc when I get into bed which really doesn’t help!! 🙂

    • Argh me too…technology in bed is the worst. Even in my most tired state in hospital I kept pulling my phone out when I should have been sleeping!

  • Yep, many many times. I was nodding away the same as Lauren.

    Congratulations on the newest member of your family 🙂

    I hope you are able to get re-acquainted with the back of your eyelids really soon.

    MC xo

  • It’s exhausting isn’t it? Those first few weeks/months. I honestly think just accepting it and dealing with it though is the best thing you can do.
    And when that doesn’t work, just enjoy newborn baby snuggles 🙂

    • I agree, accepting is far better for my emotional and mental health than trying to fight it…and the snuggles are the best 🙂

  • Oh yes I have! With all three newborns of course, but worst with the first, and not only because of my inexperience with it (sleep deprivation) – also cause he was just an awful sleeper for a looong time.

    I feel for you, but you are right. It’s just a small part of the rest of your life. And hopefully will be diminished significantly in the rose colour of memory 🙂

  • Oh yeah I have it now because of my new baby. Not an actual baby of course but just work. I’m often left lying awake thinking about work.

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