Hello Sleep Deprivation, I can’t say I’m happy to see you, or that I hope you are here to stay a while. But I can say you are familiar this time around. We have met before and we got to know each other really, really well.
You are not something I treasure, or that I enjoy. In fact, I dread you and the long nights that you bring. I have already started to yearn for the daytime before the night has even begun. The nights roll on and on until finally I can sigh a sigh of relief because day time has come around again.
Last time you were here I let you consume me.You were all I thought about and it was all over my face, my actions and my body. I sunk into a deep craving of sleep every second of the day. That precious sleep that you deprived me of becomes an obsession. I felt that I still should have the capacity to be all, do all and see to every little peep my precious little bundle made.
The only people that really understand you are those that have met you. They don’t need to be mums or parents either. They can be restless people, troubled people, people with a medical condition, people whose jobs confuse their days and nights.
This time, as you join me, I’m a little bit more prepared than last time. I’m wearing a mask. It may sound like this wouldn’t help, but it does. I refuse to let you take over my life. I am continuing on. I am getting out of bed. I am smiling at my toddler (unless he is driving me round the bend) and I am leaving the house.
Some people are a little fooled. I don’t think people realise you are with me. They keep saying “You look great!…Is he sleeping well?” He isn’t. Of course he isn’t. He is 2 weeks old and 4 weeks premature. He gulps feeds. He gets belly aches. He confuses his day and his night. He wants to be held. He is a BABY. But I just shrug and say “Oh he’s not too bad”…because that’s easier and makes me feel better than walking around with a dark cloud on my face that tells everyone and myself that you are around.
I’m not ignoring you though Sleep Deprivation. I know you are there and I will try and rest when I can. But I know ‘resting’ is not enough.
You are here to stay anyway, there’s no point moping about it. There is no point because I will lose myself in you and then I will have no time to be ‘me’ And that is the worst part of you. No time to just be me or have time for myself and my husband.
But all in time. You’re just a small part of the rest of my life. And while you are around I will always have this:
Have you met Sleep Deprivation? How do you handle it?